Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Fri Sep 01, 2017 10:12 am

Husbands message (by mobile phone) :-

Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the hospital.

The have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very severe, but fortunately it seems that did not cause an serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compund fracture in my left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot.


Wife's response :-

Who is Paula ?
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Sep 23, 2017 10:04 pm

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas."
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Sep 26, 2017 7:14 pm

"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful
Virginia, she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for
me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket .

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa
car. Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga
lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa
car!
Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The
conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina in disa car. Musta go to
a smokina car ..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful
Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to
go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway
shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus..
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 164
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Fri Oct 06, 2017 9:43 am

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied ,

'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on . ' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Fri Oct 06, 2017 9:52 am

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa"

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which
went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moly," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Oct 23, 2017 6:56 pm

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman, beginning to turn blue, shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that her entire body reacts and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seen nobody do it!
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Oct 26, 2017 7:32 am

I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, muscle bound, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

"You’ve just made this the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm such a complete failure."

"I was late to a meeting this morning, so my boss fired me on the spot. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab that I took to get home where I found my wife in bed with another man . . .. and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve . . . and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"
"But, enough about me, how are you doing today?"
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Oct 28, 2017 8:27 pm

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail when he tripped over a large snake and then fell – ker-plop! – right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and cannot see." "That's perfectly all right," said the snake. "Actually, I think it was really my fault. I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and then said: "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"
And the little bunny was so pleased that he danced with joy. He told the snake, "I can't thank you enough. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
The snake replied that he really didn't know, because he also was blind. So, the bunny said, "Let me return the favor and examine you." When the bunny had finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny replied: "You're hard; you're cold; you're slimy, and you haven't got any testicles. You must be ... a lawyer."
And the snake was very sad.
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Nov 09, 2017 11:03 am

A Christmas
Tradition

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rumWhen he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Nov 14, 2017 4:39 pm

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.
The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.
She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?”
“Well, madam, there are tree reasons why I should. The 1st is that I do iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Anna: “Your husband he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
The second reason : “Annaeez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “That’s a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Anna: “Your hozban he did.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Anna: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.”
The wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.”
(A moment of silence passes…)
“So… how much do you want?”
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Fri Nov 17, 2017 1:16 am

A teacher asks her class " What is the most important letter of the alphabet?"

A young boy puts his hand up and announces " The letter G"

Teacher replies.." And why is that Angus?"
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
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