Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Fri Sep 20, 2019 8:54 am

Late one night, a mugger jumped into the path of a well dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 318
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Sep 26, 2019 9:08 am

A man asked his wife "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"

She replied: "I'd take half and leave you!"

"Great" he said. "I won $12. "Here's $6. Stay in touch."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 318
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Oct 05, 2019 9:36 am

Seven retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 318
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Wed Oct 09, 2019 8:13 pm

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial as it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.
"Gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 318
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sun Oct 20, 2019 7:27 pm

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar -- ALL drinks .25¢. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The relic of a bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be gents?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time, the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and says, "Two bits each or a dollar total."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the buck, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the
bartender again saying, "That's a dollar please."

They pay the buck, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar a piece yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a two bits apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $250 million and decided to open this place. I won a quarter billion so every drink costs a quarter. Wine, liquor, beer..... it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh they're retired from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 318
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

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