Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:30 pm

Ace and Priscilla were married for many years.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old Ace liked the fact that he was feared.

He died at the ripe old age of 98.

After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"


Priscilla said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down... and I know he won't ask for directions."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Jan 30, 2018 10:49 am

Luigi had just finished reading a new book entitled,

You Can Be THE MAN of Your House.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, we're going upstairs

And we'll have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His Sicilian wife Maria replied,

"The funeral director would be my first guess".
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby caseville cyclone » Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:32 pm

Keep them coming Maine Pilot,I love telling these jokes at our Wednesday night dinner group. It puts a smile on everyones face.Andy
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Wed Jan 31, 2018 2:45 am

Us Aussies refer to the New Zealanders ( kiwis) as sheep shaggers...with strange accents so with that in mind..

.....two Kiwi farmers approach each other out in a field,one has a sheep under his arm.



Farmer " Hey mate...nice sheep. Are you going to shear her?"

Other Farmer.." Nah, she is all mine."

:)
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A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Feb 01, 2018 10:01 pm

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. A Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be.

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all, if he picks up the magazine, he'll be a womanizer all his life!"

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Feb 05, 2018 1:31 pm

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young
pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells
and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she
could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to
the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this
morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to
investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run
for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he
became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on
our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

(If you don1t send this on, you're chicken ...... no yoke!)
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:11 pm

Bran Muffins...

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked..

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f#ckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN'T IT?
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Fri Feb 09, 2018 1:46 pm

HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter the Pearly Gates, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 10,000 miles long, and in the line of men who were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

He replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby popscomet » Fri Feb 09, 2018 2:19 pm

that's a pretty good one !!!!!......when me and GLENDA married ,,,I told her she makes all the easy decisions,,,POP would make all the hard ones......after almost 51 yrs,,,I ain't made a decision yet... :? :shock: .... :lol: :lol:
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Feb 12, 2018 10:17 pm

A lady carrying her baby got on the bus. The bus driver looked at them and said, "MY that is one UGLY baby". The lady moved into the bus and sat down next to a man and said, "That bus driver just insulted me. I should give him a piece of my mind." The man said, "Go ahead, lady...I'll hold your monkey".
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Mar 10, 2018 1:46 pm

A Texan walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine ."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The Texan said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The Texan said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Mar 26, 2018 3:19 pm

What's the difference between a banjo and an accordion?
The accordion burns longer.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you throw a banjo into a dumpster, in lands on an accordion.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby mercbill » Wed Mar 28, 2018 12:26 pm

I got this one today. Appropriate since I am Irish.

The Great Pub Debate

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"


"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Wed May 02, 2018 8:44 pm

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.

I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!

He never knew what hit him.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon…

Closed coffin.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Fri May 04, 2018 7:21 pm

When you're 79 years old...

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kind of cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches…but,
When you’re seventy nine..............who cares?
**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms,
please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."

When you’re seventy nine..............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of
you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you’re seventy nine..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman
was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the ------, but...

When you’re seventy nine...............who cares?
*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re seventy nine...............who cares?
**********

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table..
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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