Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Jims65cyclone
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Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an
ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to
put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.
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Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Common Tools Explained

To the uninitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh [censored]!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you want the bearing race removed.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Mary phoned her husband Jack at work.

"Sorry love," said Jack, "I'm up to my neck in work at the moment - I can't really talk."

"But I need to tell you something", said Mary,"I've got some good news and some bad news."

"OK, but I'm really short on time, so just say the good news."

"Well.....OK then. The airbag works."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Of course to appreciate this GIF, you have to be of a certain age; i.e., a "Geezer!" (Gove you a hint, it's from the movie "Top Secret,") (1984). For some reason Ford execs weren't too pleased with it.

Image
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Santa's Comet
Posts: 250
Joined: Wed Jul 31, 2013 2:48 pm

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Santa's Comet »

That's sooo bad!!!!
Love IT!!!
NP Dave
Image

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Just in time for Halloween:

Q: Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
A: They have no body to love

Q: Know why skeletons are so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels

Q: What’s a ghoul’s favorite bean?
A: A human bean.

Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the Boos.

Q: Why did the Vampire read the New York Times?
A: He heard it had great circulation.

Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q: Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A: Mali-boo.

Q: The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?
A: A coffin.

Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet.

Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind.

Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.

Q: What is in a ghost’s nose?
A: Boo-gers

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A: Frostbite

Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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The Transplanter
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Location: Surrey England

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by The Transplanter »

I woke in the middle of the night for a pee and happened to notice a shady looking character sneaking through my next door neighbours garden.

Suddenly my neighbour appeared from nowhere and smacked the intruder over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly!

He then proceeded to dig a grave with the shovel and buried the man under a flower bed.

Astonished I got back into bed. the wife woke and said, "Darling you're shaking, what ever is it?"


"You'll never believe what I've just seen", I said, "that %&@*# next door still has my @$&! shovel."
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The Transplanter
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Location: Surrey England

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by The Transplanter »

I chatted up a fairground worker the other night, I ended up going back to her place! I never had so much fun in all my life.........

Went on the dodgems twice, followed by the helterskelter, and I even came home with a goldfish.........
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The Transplanter
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Location: Surrey England

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by The Transplanter »

A man walks into the pub and asks the barman for a quadruple scotch,then necks it in one.
The barman says "wow whats wrong"
the man replies:
"I came home early last night and went up to the bedroom where I saw my wife shagging my best friend".
"What did you say"asks the barman ?
Man says:
"I told her to pack her bags and f-off"
"What about your best friend"?
I looked him straight in the eye and said "BAD BAD DOG"
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The Transplanter
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Location: Surrey England

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by The Transplanter »

A man is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft bugger!!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"
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BJB
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Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 3:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

Malcolm Turnbull is Australia's Prime Minister. Bill Shorten is the Leader of the Opposition. The Cattle dog is innocent.

Malcolm Turnbull called Bill Shorten into his office recently and said, ‘Bill, I have a great idea. We are going to go all out & talk to country voters.’

‘Good idea Malcolm, how will we go about it?’ said Bill.

‘Well,’ said Malcolm, ’We’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, and stick on an Akubra hat.

Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we’ll really look the part.

We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.’

‘Right.’ said Bill.

Days later, all kitted out & with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog & up to the bar.

’G’day mate,’ said Malcolm to the bartender, ‘two middies of your best beer.’

‘Good afternoon Malcolm,’ said the bartender, ‘two middies of our best coming up.’

Turnbull & Shorten stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now & again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog & lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head & went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in & lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Turnbull and Shorten could stand it no longer & called the barman over.

‘Tell me,’ said Shorten, ‘why did all those old stockmen come in & look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?’

‘Strewth no,’ said the barman. ‘Someone told ’em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes.’
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his damn widow."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

oldndusty
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Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:56 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by oldndusty »

a guy goes in s drug store walks over to the condom rack and starts reading the back of each package.
after a while the druggist walks over and says you've been here for 20 minutes can i help you ? the man says i need a condom with insecticide . the druggist says sir i think you mean spermicide,
the guy says no insecticide my wife has a bug in her a$$ and i'm going in after it !!

a blonde's car gets beat up in a hail storm. she goes to a body shop and says how can i fix this without spending a lot of money?
the body man says just go home and blow in the tailpipe .
she pulls in her driveway gets out and starts blowing in the tailpipe.
her husband (who is blonde) comes out and says what are you doing? she replies the guy at the shop said this will fix the dents.
her husband says are you really that stupid ? that won't work with the windows open.

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Ethel checked into a motel on her 65th birthday. She was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age, so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself 'Tender Tony'; a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns...She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Ethel thought, 'Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!'

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right
in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my
motel room and give me one. No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone for one night and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 to get an outside line
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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