Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[Maine Pilot]

I'm a single guy, she's single... She lives right across the street.

I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised
when she walked across the street, up my driveway, and knocked on the
door.

I opened the door, she looked at me, and said, "I just got home, and I
have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have
sex tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!

[Maine Pilot]

Lettuce, Whores and Hockey Players

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.? The boy said he'd ask
his manager about it.? Walking into the back room, the boy said to his
manager, 'Some %&@*# wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
the other half.'? The manager approved the deal, and the man went on
his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier.? We like people who think
on their feet here.? Where are you from, son?'? Canada, sir,' the boy
replied.


'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.? The boy said,
'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
Really?' said the manager.? 'My wife is from Canada .'


No :oops:?' replied the boy.? 'Who'd she play for?

[Maine Pilot]

How do you get an elderly women to drop an F bomb?

Have another elderly lady yell out BINGO.

[Maine Pilot]

Another "Blonde Joke"



I was at the post office the other day when I saw a blonde woman shouting into an envelope before sealing it and depositing into the mailbox.

I asked her why she was doing this.

She replied: "Can't you see--I'm sending out a voice mail!"

[Maine Pilot]

What a Coincidence!
A chicken farmer went to a local bar. He sat next to an attractive woman and ordered a Manhattan.
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a Manhattan."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, " It is a special day for me. I'm celebrating"
"It is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant"

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

[Maine Pilot]

A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper.
The counselor asks, "What's the problem?

The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.
She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down”.

"How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?"

The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick.”

[BJB]

Q: How many Early Ford Club group members does it take to change a spark plug?

A: 1 to change the spark plug and to post that spark plug has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing spark plugs and how the spark plug could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing spark plugs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing spark plugs.
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "spark plug" is an electrical device threaded into the cylinder of an internal-combustion engine to ignite the fuel mixture by producing timed sparks between electrodes.
6 to ask what is the correct gap setting.
2 to ask what is a ‘feeler gauge’
2 to post that this group is not about spark plugs and to please take this discussion to a spark plug group.
27 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use spark plugs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.
16 to debate which method of changing spark plugs is superior, where to buy the best spark plugs, what brand of spark plugs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
2 to post URL's where one can see examples of different spark plugs.
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the spark plug controversy.
1 to mention that diesels do not have spark plugs.
4 to suggest that posters request the spark plugs FAQ.
1 to post a video of how spark plugs are manufactured
16 to post ‘wtf’.
4 to ask what is a wtf?
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
3 to say "do a Google search on spark plugs before posting questions about spark plugs".
14 to post photos of spark plugs they own.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again...."

[lavron]

That would never happen here

See Ya,
Mike

[Maine Pilot]

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer .

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption .

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1)
hour period .

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these
men:

1) Argued over nothing .
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong .
3) Gained weight .
4) Talked excessively without making sense .
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive .
7) Failed to think rationally, and
Had to sit down while urinating .

__________________

[Maine Pilot]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[Maine Pilot]

A priest was invited to attend a house party.
Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.

Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at,
he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,

"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

[BJB]

I went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle scotch and put it in the basket on the front...then it occurred to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. So i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home.

[BJB]

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, and about two hours into my first day on the job a loud, mean, and unattractive woman enters the store with her two children, yelling obscenities at them the whole way.

Per my greeter instructions, I pleasantly said, "Good Morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there, are they twins?"

Agitated, the women sharply fires back, "Hell no, they ain't twins. This one here's 7, and this one here's 10. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, stupid, or both?"

To which I replied, "Ma'am, I am neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that someone slept with you twice."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Maine Pilot]

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.

He says to the Irishman

'That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me.'

The Irishman replied:

'That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do It the honest way and get the same results.

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the Owner of the bakery and says

"Sir, I want to show you a magic trick."

The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.

He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says

"Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman then said

'Look in the Englishman's pockets.'

[BJB]

WARNING: If you get a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

Plaese warm yu frends!