Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[Maine Pilot]

A baby snake had been out playing and came back home crying its heart out. His mother asked: "What's the matter? Tell me all about it."

The baby snake sobbed: "They won't let me hiss in their pit."

The mother replied: "Don't you cry, love. I knew them when they didn't have a pit to hiss in!"

[BJB]

A guy is walking along a remote beach and spots a bottle sticking out of the sand. He retrieves it,and rubs the bottle causing a genie to emerge. The genie informs him that he will grant him one wish. The startled man replies, " I want to live forever. " The genie explains that he can't grant that sort of eternal life so he should rethink his wish.

Thinking for a minute he informs the genie "I want to live until the Federal Government balances the books and pays off the debt" .

Genie responds, " Crafty little bugger, aren't you"

[Maine Pilot]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Maine Pilot]

Your dog loves you more than your wife.

You don't believe me? Try this. Put both your dog and your wife in the car's turnk and lock it. After 30 minutes, open it up. Guess who is happy to see you?




If the dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling from the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, because he'll stop barking once he's inside

[Maine Pilot]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?

Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells like a new truck.

[Jims65cyclone]

boat.jpg (55.2 KiB) Viewed 4523 times

A funeral procession pulled into the Cemetery.
Several car loads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked: "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners.
"As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

[Maine Pilot]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On anyland !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

[Maine Pilot]

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

[Maine Pilot]

I gotta share this experience I had last Sunday morning. I went to a charitable and religious event of sorts at a local Baptist Church. The primary reason was to help bag and box groceries for needy minority families. The bagging was preceded by the Preacher of the Church giving a “healing” type of service. This was amazing to witness.
It started off when he said, "Anyone with 'special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that Lloyd (later found out his name), a tattered man, began to slowly approach the altar. The Preacher asked,“Lloyd, what do you want me to pray about for you?” Lloyd replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
Now the unbelievable, and if I wasn’t there in person I wouldn’t have believed it myself. The Preacher proceeded to put one finger of one hand on Lloyd's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. I’m telling ya he prayed a "blue streak" and the whole congregation then began to join in with great enthusiasm and song. Ya know, like only a Baptist function can put on with all the Amens and whatnot.
After 5 or so minutes of this prayer and singing, the Preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Lloyd, how is your hearing now?

Lloyd answered, " I don't know. The hearing ain't 'til Thursday!!!

[Maine Pilot]

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum.

[Maine Pilot]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly
sliding down her chair, under the table, and under the table cloth, but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.

Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that
it might offend other diners, went over to the table and began by saying to the man:

"Pardon me, but I think your wife just slid under the table." The man calmly looked up at her and said:
"No, she didn't ...she just walked in!”

[Maine Pilot]

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??

[Maine Pilot]

An armed robber holds up a bank. On his way out with the take, he points his gun at a customer and asks, "did you see me rob this bank?"

"Yes, Sir, I sure did!"

Bang! He shoots him dead. Then he turns to a couple and asks, "did you folks see me rob this bank?"

"No, Sir, I sure as hell did not!" said the husband. "But my wife did!"

[Maine Pilot]

Marriage is like a deck of cards: In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you'll wish you had a club and a spade!

[Maine Pilot]

Three Texas cowboys are sitting around the ranch talking about their trucks. They were all anticipating the arrival of the fourth cowboy, who had just bought a new vehicle. They were afraid because the last time they talked with him, he had told them he couldn't decide between a new truck, or European fancy car. They were worried that a fellow rancher buying a fancy and sissy European car would ruin their image as cowboys.

They saw the fourth cowboy walking down the way to them, and when he finally reached them, they asked him with great fear "So, what did you get?"

His response???



Take a moment......you'll guess it......



"Audi, partner..."