Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Maine Pilot
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Not a joke but humor of a different sort:

The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy; and he looked at her quizzically and said "What the heck is a Jalopy?" He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old.... But not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.
These phrases included: Don't touch that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to dry.

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right.

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!” Or, “This is a fine kettle of fish!” We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases gone?

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!)

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth...

See ya later, alligator! Oki-doki
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

popscomet
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Location: Jacksonville, Arkansas

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by popscomet »

WELL ,Ida be a suck egg mule !! that's the truth if I'd ever heard it !!!! POP
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pop/glenda

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Jims65cyclone
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch,
severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a
shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak,
I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
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Maine Pilot
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

When it's time to spring for the extra $ for "Lane Assist" on your next car...

http://www.funnyplace.org/stream/volksw ... boy-27206/
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these
clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

Husband is recovering from a head injury now!!!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

popscomet
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Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 11:19 pm
Location: Jacksonville, Arkansas

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by popscomet »

that is one stupid husband :shock: :lol: :lol: ...pop
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pop/glenda

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SASSY
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Leader of the PAC,,

Post by SASSY »

Image
I'd rather do it myself if it's done right or not,,,isn't that what hotrodding is all about

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Maine Pilot
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"Me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do somethin’ sexy to a tractor."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Jack was an important business man, who was working 14 hours a day. Realizing that he would burn out and lose his company he contacted a human cloning lab. The lab assured him in a month they would have an exact duplicate for him. Jack was convinced that this would solve all his issues.

The day came for him to pick up his clone. Jack was ecstatic. When he got to the lab the doctors got him to go into a conference room and said: Jack, I'm sorry, we have bad news. Something went wrong in the cloning process. Your clone cannot speak without cursing and acting inappropriate. We can dispose of it, if you would like. Jack could not bear to kill another human so he decided to take the clone and bring him to live on his remote farm.

The clone used to sit on a bridge, near the road every day. As cars passed by he would yell and curse at them, in the most horrible language. One day Harold was driving by and the clone started with his string of curses and insults. Harold had enough and stopped the car. The clone continued to curse and berate him. Harold lost his temper and pushed the clone off the bridge, into the river below.

Later that day the police came and arrested Harold for a misdemeanor. The crime: making an obscene clone fall!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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loman
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by loman »

Maine Pilot wrote:HOW TO GAS UP A TESLA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j52odgkRxDs
If that wasn't staged, that was hilarious. Even if it was staged, still pretty funny because I'm sure it has happened. :lol:
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Maine Pilot
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.

"Well go look in the garage..."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman's double"?

"Whats that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

"Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life.

She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

So I was at the local pub last Saturday and, well, I'd had a few and noticed two large women at the bar.

They both had strong accents so, being the friendly guy that I am, I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

Recognizing my mistake, I immediately apologized and rephrased, "So, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember until this morning.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Young Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.


He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.

but the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day -- or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is --

If you don't let a woman have her own way...things are going to get REALLY ugly!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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