Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Thu Apr 06, 2017 6:44 am

I WAS at the local swimming pool and I decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed, because he blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in!....
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Apr 06, 2017 8:47 am

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'?

Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Apr 11, 2017 1:14 pm

Two ladies were discussing their love lives...

Lady 1: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Lady 2: "Why? I thought Joe got a vasectomy."

Lady 1: "He did...that's why I have to be extra careful."
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Fri Apr 21, 2017 10:08 am

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sun Apr 23, 2017 8:06 pm

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,


'Damn, 'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Apr 29, 2017 9:07 am

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby peps64 » Wed May 03, 2017 6:04 pm

So.....which one arrived first? Don't leave us in suspense!!!

-"Peps"
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Tambo » Thu May 04, 2017 7:35 pm

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell, into the coffee between my legs, splashed,
and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Jun 08, 2017 7:28 am

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby poboyjo65 » Fri Aug 18, 2017 11:54 pm

.
It takes a second or 2 :lol:


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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Lou's Comet » Sat Aug 19, 2017 6:54 am

poboyjo65 wrote:.
It takes a second or 2 :lol:


Image



Guess he didn't take it in for the tank recall?
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby lavron » Sat Aug 19, 2017 7:21 am

Funny.

Pintos, in my experience, were really good cars, my brothers took a thrashing and kept on going, of course I have class and got a Comet instead :P

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Jims65cyclone » Sat Aug 19, 2017 10:23 am

Well, they used to turn those Apollo space capsules around backwards for re-entry. Maybe....nah.
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby bigdan » Sun Aug 20, 2017 2:53 am

Guy looks at his wife one day and says "Tell me something that'll make me laugh and cry at the same time" as a riddle. She ponders a minute, smiles and says, "That's easy. Your d##k is bigger than your brothers!"

Ouch.

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sun Aug 20, 2017 8:43 am

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?” “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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