One of my favorites:
Joke of the Day: A penguin is driving his car…
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk.
He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”
Do we have a Joke Thread here?
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Automotive Terminology
Do you understand Car terminology?
The daughter says to her father:
"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me,
that I didn't understand.
He said that I 'have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags
and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said, "You tell your
boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check
your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts
so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start
leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
The daughter says to her father:
"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me,
that I didn't understand.
He said that I 'have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags
and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said, "You tell your
boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check
your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts
so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start
leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers, and says, "Five beers, please"
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick ****."
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
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sursmilie64
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Thu Dec 18, 2014 9:06 am
- Location: Great Falls SC
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Two cannibals were having clown for lunch. One looked at the other and said taste funny.
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go -- I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.
Your friend,
Monica
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go -- I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.
Your friend,
Monica
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
A couple had been out shopping for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realised that her husband had disappeared. She was so angry, she rang his mobile and asked, "Where are you?!" In a calm voice, he replied, "Darling, do you remember the jewellery shop we went into 5 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I said one day when I had enough money, I would get it for you?" She smiled and her eyes filled with tears, "yes, my love I remember." "Well I'm in the pub next door to that."
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her daughter’s fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure”. He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.”
The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”
She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her daughter’s fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure”. He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.”
The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
-
Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake..
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No .. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No .. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Greece...
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
Q: What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet ?
A: I.O.U.
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro. - Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back". Just like it's cheques.
My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
Q: What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet ?
A: I.O.U.
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro. - Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back". Just like it's cheques.
My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
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Jims65cyclone
- Posts: 2772
- Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 10:29 pm
- Location: Lexington, SC
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
A woman goes to the Doctor worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks, "What's the problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
The Doctor asks, "What's the problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
if a fat lady falls in the forest do the trees laugh?
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
-
Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Just in case some of you haven't seen this one about classic car shows...
http://www.funnyplace.org/stream/centra ... die-24358/
http://www.funnyplace.org/stream/centra ... die-24358/
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Its been so cold in Melbourne recently that yesterday I saw a politician with his hands in his OWN pockets....
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Good video, I liked it.Maine Pilot wrote:Just in case some of you haven't seen this one about classic car shows...
http://www.funnyplace.org/stream/centra ... die-24358/
