Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.
They dilate.
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?
Silicon Valley
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

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Jims65cyclone
Posts: 1801
Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 9:29 pm
Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

Wow, Bruce! You're on a roll, man. :lol:

JIm
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15x7x3.75BS TTII's all around
215/65/15 front, 235/60/15 rear

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

Jims65cyclone wrote:Wow, Bruce! You're on a roll, man. :lol:

JIm
Jim, I can cut and paste like the rest of them.....

Bruce :mrgreen:
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

1...

2...

3...

4...

5

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

A London lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. “Sam, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

Sam replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I could probably learn how submarines work but I feel like they are beneath me.



I was learning how trains work, but then I got off track.


People are shocked when they learn I do my own electrical work.
Last edited by Maine Pilot on Sat Jun 15, 2019 10:24 am, edited 2 times in total.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I understand how cars work.

But airplanes are over my head.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

What does the buffalo tell his son in the morning?

Bye, son!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

It's never a good idea to take a dog named Shark to the beach.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help my feet, but I stand corrected.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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