Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Off Topic Posts Welcome. Personal Attacks, Profanity or Obcenity will not be Tolerated.
popscomet
Posts: 9026
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:19 pm
Location: Jacksonville, Arkansas

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by popscomet »

:shock: :lol: these one liners are a pain in the butt :? but they do have a touch of merit to them >>>>POP
Image
pop/glenda

User avatar
poboyjo65
Posts: 5662
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2011 8:40 pm
Location: Camden, Tenn.

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by poboyjo65 »

popscomet wrote: :shock: :lol: these one liners are a pain in the butt :? but they do have a touch of merit to them >>>>POP
you mean like this one from the main pilot? .... :roll: hopefully the co pilot does!
Maine Pilot wrote:I understand how cars work.

But airplanes are over my head.
Image
347, 4sp, 9'' 215/60/15 - 295/50/15

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

An Engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

“Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

Maine Pilot
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

After 10 years, the wife started to think their kid looked kinda strange, so she decided to do a DNA test. She found out that the child was actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up ?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...

Husband: Well you don't remember, do you ?? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped its diaper; then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't always as dumb as most folks think.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

bdziadzio
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 9:36 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by bdziadzio »

How do you know when it's time for a new girlfriend?


When the old one starts fitting your wife's clothes.

Maine Pilot
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

On an 18th century warship, the captain is told by the lookout in the crow's nest that the enemy ship is within sight.

"Bring me my red shirt!" orders the captain.
"Why a red shirt?" questions the first mate.
"If I should get shot down during the battle, I don't want my sailors to lose faith and think that the battle is lost because I am injured or dying. A red shirt will hide the extent of my injuries."

Over the course of several hours they win the battle. Soon after, another call comes down from the crow's nest: "Captain, there are 10 more enemy ships on the horizon, heading this way!"

"Bring me my brown pants!" said the captain.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

What do you get when you mix Milk of Magnesia with orange juice?


A Phillips screwdriver.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.

"Well go look in the garage..."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Not so much funny as it is true...

If you tell the mechanic insurance is not paying for it the price goes down.

If you tell the doctor insurance is not paying for it the price goes up.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A husband and wife go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child. They are well dressed and well spoken. The social workers are impressed, but when asked about their profession the couple said they run a circus. This gave the agency pause- the environment and travel involved with a circus? It raised doubts about their suitability for adoption approval. So the couple produced photos of their 35' luxury motor home with a fully equipped nursery. The social workers were impressed but still had concerns about child care and education. The couple produced documentation for their prospective nanny with background check, references and a degree in early childhood education. They also produced documentation for an additional tutor with teaching certification in French, Mandarin and Computer Skills. The social workers were satisfied and asked "What ages were you looking to adopt?" The couple replied, "it doesn't really matter as long as they fit in a cannon."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 350
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Do you understand Car terminology?

The daughter says to her father:
"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me,
that I didn't understand.

He said that I 'have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags
and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said, "You tell your
boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check
your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts
so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start
leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Tims1965MercuryComet
Posts: 197
Joined: Thu Apr 11, 2013 2:35 pm
Location: Arizona. 5000 ft. above sea level.

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Tims1965MercuryComet »

[quote="Maine Pilot"]Do you understand Car terminology?

The daughter says to her father:
"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me,
that I didn't understand.

He said that I 'have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags
and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said, "You tell your
boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check
your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts
so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start
leaking out of his exhaust pipe."[/quote}

That's good.
I so get that. My daughter is my youngest, but she's 28 now and moved out 6 years ago. All fathers with daughters are like that. I was.
1965 Caliente 4 door
1968 302
Edelbrock Torker manifold and carb

Post Reply