Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?" Paddy said.
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman at knife-point and asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.
Thief: 'You must really love your wife!
Man: 'Not particularly, but she will be home shortly.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine...
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.

I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut.

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
____
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

What is Forrest Gump's password..................


1forrest1
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

God Calls Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates to an emergency meeting and tells them that the world is ending in 48 hours and they need to go back and get the people prepared.

Trump calls his cabinet together and says "I have some good news and some bad news: The good news is that God does exist and he has spoken to me personally. The bad news is that the world is ending tomorrow."

Putin Calls an emergency meeting of the Kremlin and says "I have some good news and some bad news: The good news is that God does exist and he has spoken to me personally. The bad news is that the world is ending tomorrow."

Bill Gates calls his management staff together and says "I have some good news and some great news: The good news is that god thinks I'm one of the three most important people on earth. The great news is that you can stop trying to fix all the security holes in Outlook."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine...
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

User avatar
Jims65cyclone
Posts: 1801
Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 9:29 pm
Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

Day 9 of the quarantine.
My wife called out from the other room and asked if I ever get a stabbing pain in my chest like someone has a voodoo doll of me and is stabbing it.
I replied no.
She responded, how about now?
Image

15x7x3.75BS TTII's all around
215/65/15 front, 235/60/15 rear

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower:
Cooter, Ray and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips,
falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes
the body away, Ray says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Ray says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ray replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and
she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Beer you are...'

Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?

A: From taxpayers.

Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?

A: Only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?

A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A: Shut up.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Guy is walking down the beach and happens upon a Genie's bottle. He rubs it and releases the Genies who informs him "Because you have released me you are entitled to 3 wishes. But I must inform you that I know you are in a divorce and what ever you ask for, your ex will get twice as much." What, she's not worth it, but as long as I get what I want. First I want $100 million dollars. Genie says "No problem, but the ex will get $200 million." He says that's crazy, she's not worth it. Next , see that mansion on the hill, I want one twice as big. Genie says "No problem, the ex gets one twice as big." He says that's just fine because for my 3rd wish I want you to beat me half to death
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I snooped and read an email my wife wrote to one of her friends.

"Today Keith found a roach in the kitchen. He mopped the floor, cleaned out all the cabinets and sprayed, and for final measure washed down the walls.

Tomorrow I'm moving the roach to the bathroom."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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