Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

While at the bank yesterday an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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Jims65cyclone
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Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 9:29 pm
Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all"

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided ya would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
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popscomet
Posts: 9025
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:19 pm
Location: Jacksonville, Arkansas

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by popscomet »

whew !! that's stout....that could get a ole boy in a heap of trouble...…,and her !! :shock: good thing a priest is honored to keep stuff to his self :shock: .......pop
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pop/glenda

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I called Verizon and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." The operator said: "Not you again."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Q. How did you meet your husband?

A. I'm a pharmacist. When he came into the store to buy condoms I asked him "What size do you want?"

He replied: "XXXXL!"

It wasn't until after we got married that I learned that he stutters!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

The Spanish King has been diagnosed with CV19 and is quarantined on his jet. So it looks like the Reign in Spain will stay mainly on the Plane.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A man came home from work early and heard noises upstairs. He went up and found his wife on the bed naked, sweating and panting. “What going on?” he says. “ I’m having a heart attack”, she says. He rushes down stairs to call the ambulance when his 4 year old son says, “Uncle George is upstairs in your closet with no clothes on and I’m scared”. He runs back up and sure enough his brother George is naked hiding in the closet. “You rotten ###, my wife is having a heart attach and your running around naked scaring the kids”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

The Irishman said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with chicken fat, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end !"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made
passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes !"

The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours !"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours ?"

The Italian man said, " I wiped my hands on the bedspread.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

MT. VERNON, TEXAS ... WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullsh**."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Guy sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Before he drinks it he opens his coat and peaks inside his inside coat pocket. Downs the drink and orders another. This goes on for about 5-6 drinks before the bartender, who has been watching this the whole time, ask the patron "What's the deal, I notice before you take the drink you look in your coat pocket." Patron says "I have a picture of my wife, I keep drinking till she looks good and then I go home.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

My wife just yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 349
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A Pirate goes to his Dermatologist, he says "Arr, I want ye to check out these moles on me back"

The Dermatologist says "It looks like they're benign"

The Pirate says "Check again Doc, I think there be ten"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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