Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[Maine Pilot]

Late one night, a mugger jumped into the path of a well dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"

[Maine Pilot]

A man asked his wife "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"

She replied: "I'd take half and leave you!"

"Great" he said. "I won $12. "Here's $6. Stay in touch."

[Maine Pilot]

Seven retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

[Maine Pilot]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial as it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.
"Gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Maine Pilot]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar -- ALL drinks .25¢. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The relic of a bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be gents?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time, the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and says, "Two bits each or a dollar total."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the buck, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the
bartender again saying, "That's a dollar please."

They pay the buck, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar a piece yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a two bits apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $250 million and decided to open this place. I won a quarter billion so every drink costs a quarter. Wine, liquor, beer..... it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh they're retired from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

[Maine Pilot]

I Was watching a documentary about Alzheimer's last night, and my wife turns to me and says
"What a horrible condition, if I ever get Alzheimer's, I think I'll just shoot myself".
"I know" I replied, "You said that 5 minutes ago".

[Maine Pilot]

I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

[Maine Pilot]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again. She decided to leave a note, saying,

"I've had enough and have left you, don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note...

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone ; - "she's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like".

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote; "I can see your feet. We're outta bread. back in 5 min."

[Maine Pilot]

Latest Senior Observations:

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!"... most
telemarketers will quickly hang up.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

When I say "the other day," I could be referring to any time between
yesterday and fifteen years ago.

Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk, You get in."

I've had my patience tested. I'm negative.

If you're sitting in public, and a stranger takes the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 PM is the new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I don't remember much from last night. But the fact that I need sunglasses
to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing
on
an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get
really excited.

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend
thirty seconds in my head, that'll freak you right out.

[Maine Pilot]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Scot were walking on a beach when then found a bottle in the surf. Upon opening it, a genie appeared and gave each of them a wish.
The Scot wished to own a whisky distillery in the highlands. 'Poof! it was done!'
The Frenchman said that he wanted France to be surrounded by a stone, impregnable wall, 50' thick, 100' high, with no gates to let foreigners in.
'Poof! It was done
The genie turned to the Englishman and asked what he wanted
Englishman: 'Tell me more about this wall around France. 50' thick you say? 100' high you say? Impregnable you say?
'OK, here's my wish: Fill it with water!!'

[Maine Pilot]

Wife comes to bed after her husband, and suddenly she notices him roll over and start to fondle her hair, and then her neck. He rubs her shoulders and then down her back. He continues massaging her down her legs, and then rolls back over. "Why did you stop?" She protests.

"Found the remote."

[Maine Pilot]

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving north.

Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?

----------------------------------------------------
FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus .
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two
heads together.
----------------------------------------------------
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well

[Maine Pilot]

My wife is hooked up to a machine that keeps her alive 24 hours a day.
It's called a refrigerator.

My wife is such a bad cook that in our house, we pray after we eat.

My wife cut me down to sex to once a week. I guess I shouldn't complain, though.
I know two other guys she cut off completely.

I saw the guy who lives next door jogging naked down my street yesterday.
I asked him when he started doing that, and he said "Since you started coming home early."

[BJB]

Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?” The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”



Two politicians go out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch one of them jumps up and says, "Bugger. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

The other politician replies "No worries. We're both here."

[Maine Pilot]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone. ...

'M...e next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.